You’ve seen him on TV in the popular U.S. version of What Not To Wear, but everyone knows the real money these days is in the writing field. (We’ll pause to take a bite of our government cheese sandwich while you laugh at that one.)
But lo and be homo, Clinton Kelly has written one of the funniest reads of the year. And even funnier, you’ll walk away with some great tips that will make people fear your perfection.
We sat down over Thanksgiving and chatted with Mr. Kelly about his book (among other things) and scared him with our liberal use of the first person plural personal pronoun (a.k.a. “we”).
Q: First of all, gotta say we LOVE your book. We ourselves are already fabulous, but we still learned a thing or two. Of course, we think everyone should buy your book, not just for the useful tips, but because it’s outrageously hilarious. Yet we have loyal subscribers (mainly the ones in prison or Cuba), who may not have immediate access to your book. If you had to pick just one simple piece of advice that anyone could take to become more freakin’ fabulous, what would it be?
A: Well…ummm…thanks. But why are you referring to yourself in the plural? Is there someone else in the room? Perhaps someone only you can see? This is making me a little nervous. But I do like your shoes. You can’t be too crazy if you’re wearing Prada. Well, you can absolutely be crazy and wear Prada, but it’s the kind of crazy I can relate to. What was the question? Oh, right. I guess my biggest piece of advice is: Don’t call yourself “fabulous” unless you can back it up. I can’t stand people who say they’re fabulous and then use words like “supposably” while brushing their hair at the dinner table. No, you’re not fabulous. You’re a tool.
Q: We particularly love the fashion section of your book, and we’ve got the tailor bill to prove it. Are you able to follow your own rules and look smashing every minute of every day? Tell us at least one dirty little secret of your wardrobe. A sweatshirt from your sorority days, socks with individual rainbow toes, something!
A: Dirty secrets? Who do you think you are, Barbara Walters? Are you going to ask me about my painful childhood now? Try to make me cry? Huh? Would that make you happy, you sadistic little freak? Oh, I’m sorry. I’m in a weird mood. I think my pharmacist gave me a placebo instead of Xanax. Look, all my clothes are fabulous. My dirtiest secret is that sometimes, on my day off, I don’t shave. Aw, look what you did to me – I’m crying. I hate you.
Q: Clearly, by the Who’s Who roster of famous people on pages 44 and 45, you fist-bump with some pretty big names (or at least their ghosts). Of those five people in your book (Mother Teresa, Jessica Tandy, Humphrey Bogart, Matthew McConaughey and Mao Zedong), who would you rather have over for cocktails and mini quiches?
A: I’d like to knock back a few Manhattans with Jessica Tandy. We’d talk about her roles in The Birds and Cocoon. I’d color her hair – maybe a henna rinse. And Matthew McConaughey could serve the mini quiches shirtless and I’d say things like, “It’s so good to find hard help.” And Jessica and I would laugh and laugh and laugh.
Q: You know a lot about a lot, including grammar, one of our not-so-secret fetishes. If nothing else, people should read this part of the book to learn a few things about common mistakes. And you’re very thorough. Do your friends now dread e-mailing you, texting you, talking to you or signing to you (assuming you have deaf friends) for fear of being ridiculed? We’re nervous just composing the question.
A: Why are you buttering me up like this? Are you trying to sleep with me, because if you are, the opposite approach usually works a lot better. Tell me how fat and stupid I am and I’m all yours. No, my friends don’t give a crap about me and my fancy grammar. They’ve learned to ignore me when I interrupt them with “Dangling modifier!” It’s like I have Tourette’s. “WHOMever!” “LIE down!” Stop looking at me like that.
Q: You’re probably the first writer to ever discuss proper phone etiquette for trannies. What other taboos are you ready to shatter?
A: Aren’t trannies fun? When I was attending grad school in Chicago, I lived in this neighborhood where these trannie prostitutes would hang out at night. If you looked at them the wrong way, they’d swing a bicycle chain at your head faster than you could say, “Hey baby, your weave is looking a little ratty in the baaaa – ouch! That hurt, you bitch!”
I remember when there used to be trannie prostitutes in New York, in the Meatpacking district. They’ve been replaced by tourists wearing denim jackets with jeans and white sneakers.
But back to your question. I would like to shatter all sorts of taboos – mostly about organized religion and politics. But I’m keeping my mouth shut because I can’t stand celebrities talking about anything other than their newest album, TV show, movie or book. Case and point: Ben Affleck. Ben, shhhhhhhhhhhh. People don’t care what I have to say about politics. They just want me to tell them how to make their asses look smaller.
Q: What do you hope people will take away from reading your book?
A: A belly laugh and a hiatal hernia.
Q: Tell us about your gig with Macy’s. Any good behind-the-scenes scoop? Jessica Simpson spraying perfume into Martha Stewart’s eyes…you know, that kind of stuff?
A: You have no idea how much I would love to tell you some stories about that commercial shoot. But I’m in contract negotiations with Macy’s for 2009, and baby’s got a mortgage to pay. I love you, Macy’s! I think I can safely say, however, that Jessica Simpson’s boobs are exquisite in person. I couldn’t stop staring at them. I just wanted to lay my head on them and take a nap.
Q: Which celebrities, male and female, are most in need of your help to make them over?
A: I’m skipping this question. Now that I am a celebrity, I think of all other celebrities as my brothers and sisters. So I must protect them. Except for Tom Cruise. He’s like that older brother you can’t stand. Hey, you smell nice.
Q: One last question. It’s the holiday season, and the economy is probably keeping people from buying his-and-hers submarines from Neiman Marcus, but we all still want to give a meaningful gift that won’t break the bank. What is a simple present that you’d consider the best holiday gift ever? (Besides your book – we won’t allow that as an answer!)
A: Wow, this plural thing is, like, chronic with you. You won’t allow me to answer a question the way I want? You won’t allow me? Wow, that’s really…hot. I guess a nice gift would be the gift of Brendan Frasier. Yes, shell out 10 bucks for the Journey to the Center of the Earth DVD. That guy can really rock a flat-front khaki.
Q: Thank you so much for your time!
A: No, thank YOU for your time. Both of you?
FREAKIN’ FABULOUS: How to Dress, Speak, Behave, Eat, Entertain, Decorate, and Generally Be Better Than Everyone Else
By Clinton Kelly
$15 at amazon.com
