It’s been a week of loss in so many ways.
Frozen. I’ll admit that I try to avoid going to Walmart for anything, as I don’t like to be seen around such trashy people. I’m well aware that Walmart has just about anything I might need, but I have my limits. Now, I have a very GOOD reason not to go. Walmart has been selling radioactive frozen shrimp. I really don’t know what all that entails, but it doesn’t sound like it would be a good match with my Amana Radarange. When our esteemed Secretary of Health and Human Services issued a warning about this, I was hesitant to react. I mean, this is a man who swims in sewage and touts questionable medicines. However, my further research into this news item proved its validity and cause for concern. What if these shrimps infiltrate my supermarket? Will I have to take a black light with me to scan the frozen foods? Perhaps they should be taken back to the seas where they can illuminate the murky waters of sin. Be ye warned, Brothers and Sisters…..don’t let the glow of the Lord get confused with a nuclear crustacean!
Fried. Another fine Christian business is apparently giving up their conservative ways and adapting to a modern world. For years, I have been comfortably led to Sunday lunch at a local Cracker Barrel. There I find good home cooking, a shop replete with down-home goods, and scripture-laced candy. Now the powers that run this institution have rebranded their restaurants with a very cold new logo, eschewing the nostalgia of an old man sitting in a rocking chair next to a barrel like an apostle of cornbread. (I highly doubt that Jesus would return all glitzed up in sleek modern attire.) At this rate, I fear that my beloved rocking chairs on the front porch of the restaurant will be replaced with Peloton contraptions, and I’m gonna have to give up my fried okra for some smarmy item like Avocado Toast! Lord, help us!
Focus. The Lord continues to call home peddlers of false prophecy. We’ve lost Brother Pat Robertson and Brother Jimmy Swaggart in the past year or so, leaving us here on earth without their ministries. Now, the minister of God’s corporal punishment for children, Brother James Dobson, has been called to the great beyond. For years, his stronghold on good Christian families inflicted untold whippings on countless youth. His Focus on the Family ministry aimed to take family values right back to the 1950s where they belong. His influence in Colorado Springs led many other of these ministries to set up camp in the foothills of the Rockies. Now, may his Focus be on the Family of Eternity. May he meet SpongeBob in the great beyond and be greeted by Teletubbies dressed as Harry Potter characters. In his absence, now let us all Focus on our Families in love for a change.
