The Lord has revealed immense truths to me this week, my dear readers. May these words be a blessing to you today.
Royal Baby: Brother Billy Windsor and his lovely bride, Kate, have revealed the fruits of their latest royal fornication and have brought into this world a baby girl. What a blessing indeed. And to celebrate the couple’s love of their two favorite TV shows, THE FACTS OF LIFE and BEWITCHED, along with the royal affection for the Queen of Motown, Miss Ross, the child has been named Charlotte Elizabeth Diana, thus making her the Princess of Garrett, Duchess of Kravitz and Lady Detroit. Let us rejoice!
Carly Fiorina: And the race to render a new Caesar in America continues. Former Hewlett Packard CEO, Carly Fiorina, has declared that she is running for President in 2016. As I’ve stated before, we are in end times as we embrace the possibility of a woman president. Sister Carly will certainly give women voters an option to Sister Hillary. But let us recall that Sister Carly nearly ran her little computer business into the ground and was paid off to “get lost” to the tune of $21.4 million. This clearly does not bode well for our great country. Therefore, I am starting a new special offering, the proceeds of which will go to the Encouragement Ministry for Sister Fiorina to Get Lost before it’s too late and has to come out of our tax dollars. Give until it hurts, brothers and sisters!
Pat Robertson: Brother Pat Robertson is on a roll with his inspired wisdom. He recently told a concerned mother to “pray that God will straighten out” her teenage lesbian daughter, who recently came out of the closet. He suggested, “Maybe get her in a Christian camp in the summer where they are really on fire for the Lord.” Yes, Pat, praise the Lord for your fervor. I pray that this young woman experiences TONGUES of fire in that camp, that she is touched in a mighty way at camp. Or, perhaps, in searching for a Christian Camp, she will end up with a bunch of bearded sodomites who enjoy dressing up as Tammye Faye Bakker and Jan Crouch. Now THAT’s camp!
Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.
