So much for us to be on our knees about, Brothers and Sisters. Let us turn our hearts in prayer to the news of the week.
David Letterman: The dark lord of late night television, Brother Gap Tooth Letterman, has ended his ministry. I’d like to note that Brother Letterman spent 33 years on television. Jesus was 33 when he died. We can assume then that the faithful are looking to their televisions for some sort of Late Night Resurrection. Just let me point out that it’s already been three days since the last show and all we have to show are those two other thieves, Kimmel and Fallon. Keep the faith, Sinners.
Ireland: The Emerald Isle has gone pink. In a first for any country, sodomite marriage has been approved by voters on a national basis. I guess it was inevitable. Leprechauns have long been associated with rainbows and the elusive pot of gold. Indeed, on the day of the vote, double rainbows appeared in the skies over Dublin. Homoseculars across Ireland are rejoicing and dancing a jig indeed. I am in prayer over the coming influx of gay Irish weddings. Lots of green, lots of beer, and lots of gold lamé at the end of the rainbow. Irish Eyes Are Smiling, and St. Patrick’s Church is now Miss Patty’s Wedding Parlor. Praise!
Josh Duggar: Oh how the mighty have fallen! That dear Christian family of great fertility, the Duggars and their 19 kids, have long espoused such righteousness over the lands. Their faith has compelled them to claim how the evils and ungodliness of this world have wrought havoc on our country. Meanwhile, the firstborn of the 19 has been waging his own ministry of touch behind closed doors. Let me remind this family of faith of the words of our Lord and Savior who said, “Suffer the little children to come unto me.” He did NOT say, “May the little children who come to me, suffer.” Alas, TLC will keep the show “19 Kids and Counting,” but it will now turn its focus to the number of innocents touched by Brother Josh. Let us pray, indeed.
Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.
