Let us look back at the year passed. These are the stories which I believe were the most inspired. I pray they will touch your memories as well. And please read to the end for a very personal message. Bless you.
January. The Lord called another of His children home back in December. Alas, we were just made aware this past week. Sister Anita Bryant, a former beauty queen and gospel singer, passed away at the age of 84 in her home in Oklahoma. A regular on the Lawrence Welk Show, her wholesome face and spirit also led her to being the singing spokeswoman for the Florida Orange Growers back in the 70s. And also, like a good Christian woman, she used her celebrity status to speak out against the sodomites and lesbyterians in Florida in an effort to “save our children.” Bless her for her convictions! Alas, her activism backfired like a rusty Studebaker. The sodomites were not amused and sprang into action with visible consequences. During a spirit-filled press conference, Sister Bryant was pummeled with a pie in the face. Soon after, her “save our children” campaign was shot down, and she was dropped by the Orange Growers like a rotten tangerine. Ultimately, she retreated from the public eye, and we heard very little about Miss Sunshine. Perhaps this is why her death was kept so quiet. No funeral home in Edmond wanted to be faced with a mess of pies at the service. For me, I am remembering her by listening to one of her albums while enjoying a piece of banana cream pie and a big glass of orange juice!
February. I haven’t seen this much ado about Gulf since that blue and orange service station went away. Why is it necessary to rename a body of water anywhere? JFK could have changed the name of the Caribbean to the Bay of Pigs, but he restrained. Jesus could have renamed the Dead Sea after His resurrection, but he had other fish to fry. Being from Texas, I have spent my life knowing that if I go to Galveston and don my one-piece bathing suit with the modesty skirt, I will frolic in the Gulf of Mexico. Why do I have to call it the Gulf of America? If we are going to do that, then why bother with the people trying to cross the border if they’re coming from near the waters of AMERICA and not Mexico? I just don’t get it. I suggest that if our government wishes to make random name changes to bodies of water, why not stick closer to Washington? I suggest changing Chesapeake Bay to Cheapskate Bay or the Potomac River to the Myopic River. Makes more sense.
March. My trips to K-Mart for affordable perfume were always confounded by the clerk’s use of the term musk in describing a fragrance. I had to look that one up. It is an element used in the making of perfume, which is derived from glandular secretions in animals. That made me gag. What kind of stench is this? From where exactly does it secrete? The clerk then told me that this fragrance would give me a certain “élan” for life. Not speaking French, I had to look this one up as well. It means a vigorous enthusiasm. Well, there you have it. Perhaps this is why all these electric cars are burning. Who wants to drive a car invented by a “vigorous stench?”
April. This is disgusting. Why alleged celebrities feel the need to share certain details with the rest of us is beyond me. Known Hebrewess, Fran Drescher, revealed to a reporter specifics regarding her apparent sluttiness. Did you see this? “Fran Drescher says she has a ‘rotation’ of friends with benefits.” I daresay she’s not referring to friends with airline perks. In fact, I KNOW she’s not because she went on to say that “I have my gay ex-husband who I love, and he fulfills a lot of needs. I have someone on the side who is a friend with benefits.” So, her sodomite ex-husband goes shopping with her and dishes girl talk. But she’s got someone else who apparently extinguishes her burning bush. That is a strong person who can achieve that task while enduring some god-awful nasal banter. I might just gag.
May. Well, this is something. Reports are telling us that our Secretary of Health and Human Services, Brother Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., was recently seen with his grandchildren enjoying nature in Washington, DC. As part of said enjoyment, Brother RFK took what he considered to be a refreshing dip in Rock Creek, a body of water known for its abundance of live sewage and bacteria. Photos show him up to his neck in Rock Creek. Did I mention Health and Human Services? The qualifications of the majority of our government leaders are sorely lacking, and these people are living proof. I just don’t know what to say about this revelation. What I DO know is that the idea of RFK, Jr. swimming in a load of crap and infection shouldn’t be a surprise considering his co-workers!
June. There is a movement afoot to have our current President’s image added to Mount Rushmore, a monument carved into rock to honor some of our greatest early Presidents. Long a destination for tourists to gaze upon its glory and feat of sculpture, it is also a relative fragile façade which might be damaged or destroyed as a result of further blasting and carving of a new added image. I just don’t think that this is a good idea. First, the idea of the other images crumbling horrifies me. Even if the rock were to hold, I wouldn’t blame Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln if they nonetheless collapsed in embarrassment. Secondly, I’m not sure any sculptor could situate #47’s image in such a way that the sunset would cast the requisite orange glow upon his image. Finally, I’m all for finding a new stone edifice for his face. Perhaps not carved, but merely laid upon the mountainside as a banner. Let us pray for an active volcano with room for display. Amen?
July. I’m having trouble keeping up with all things related to the Epstein List. I haven’t seen such a ruckus over a Jewish list since Brother Spielberg’s movie. It seems that said list contains the names of all perverts for whom Mr. Epstein obtained underage women for carnal knowledge. Clearly, Eppy felt some guilt over this list since he checked out of the Hilton Prison Hotel in a true hang up. Who, then, is on this list? Who are the perverts deserving of judgment? Historical video and birthday cards indicate that one name on such a list is our current President, a man who insists that no such list even exists, a fact already debunked in courts. All I know is that there is only one list that I need to be on, and that is the Lord’s Book of Life at the Pearly Gates. I’d rather hear #47 insist that he’s not on THAT list. I can believe that.
August. I’ll admit that I try to avoid going to Walmart for anything, as I don’t like to be seen around such trashy people. I’m well aware that Walmart has just about anything I might need, but I have my limits. Now, I have a very GOOD reason not to go. Walmart has been selling radioactive frozen shrimp. I really don’t know what all that entails, but it doesn’t sound like it would be a good match with my Amana Radarange. When our esteemed Secretary of Health and Human Services issued a warning about this, I was hesitant to react. I mean, this is a man who swims in sewage and touts questionable medicines. However, my further research into this news item proved its validity and cause for concern. What if these shrimps infiltrate my supermarket? Will I have to take a black light with me to scan the frozen foods? Perhaps they should be taken back to the seas where they can illuminate the murky waters of sin. Be ye warned, Brothers and Sisters… don’t let the glow of the Lord get confused with a nuclear crustacean!
September. What a glorious time to be a Christian! As a woman of faith, I offer my spiritual wisdom through this column almost every week. I, of course, rarely hold back on my opinions regardless of the topic. Still, our world is experiencing such a moving of emotions these days. Alas, I am appalled at the liberal voices in our midst calling for radical change. After all, every pastor and pundit I know has declared that today’s problems are all CAUSED by those on the “left.” As a result, our nation’s illustrious President is out for blood regarding these progressive voices. Let the liberals be silenced! Let it be a crime if they push back on this administration! Let all who speak against the spirit of nationalism be shamed or fired! Glory! The government is causing the Spirit to move, and we are witnessing a mighty gift of the tongues. And it sounds like German.
October. I’m surprised by the lengths that some tenants will go to change their surroundings without landlord approval. It’s one thing to repaint a wall in a rental. I daresay some tenants could even get away with minor structural adjustments if it were to benefit the owner. But when our government leaders demolish part of a house they don’t own, I draw the line. Set an example, for God’s sake! Anyone who moves into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in our nation’s capital city has a duty to maintain that house’s history and reverence, especially after promising that no such drastic changes would be made. Vengeance may be the Lord’s, but I can promise you that the next time one of his buildings gets trumped up somewhere, I’ll personally be sure that it will be a bit more than just a broken escalator!
November. Let us pause for reflection. Former Vice President Dick Cheney has “gone to that undisclosed location in the sky.” Many are praising his steadfast defense of freedom, oil and occasionally, the faith. I daresay it was a homecoming for a man who knew the power of both prayer and preemptive strikes. Many I know are lighting commemorative candles shaped like Halliburton stock certificates and assuring one another that Cheney’s new pacemaker runs on eternal power now. Perhaps Heaven just got a little safer…as long as there’s no hunting allowed.
December. Brothers and Sisters, as 2025 comes to a close, I’d like to note that I’ve been writing this column for 10 years now. I know that countless lives have been changed in the process, and I’m grateful for the inspiration I’ve received each week as I compose these thoughts. I pray that I have equipped all with a new outlook on life in order to move forward through this troublesome world. Even I have reached a point of frustration with these days in which we live. Therefore, my dear readers, this is my final column. Inspiration has been declining, and I am ready to take on new directions for my ministry. May we all encounter grace and perhaps each other on the road ahead. Amen.
