Everything we ever came to know about our place in the world, we learned from Little House on the Prairie. Living in rural America during the late 1800s would totally have rocked our world, and we thanked the cartoonish picture of Jesus hanging in the hallway every night that we were born with a TV and indoor plumbing.
We knew the prairie was no place for us mainly because we imagined everyone smelled really bad, hand-made Christmas presents made us cry, and the thought of prematurely going blind scared us to the point of Little Nightmares in Our Bedroom.
Yet the most important lesson of all (and not one of the morality tales suitable for early evening viewing with our uptight grandparents) was the undeniable confirmation that we were gay. Alternately in love with Michael Landon, a DILF long before there was such a term, and his on-screen adopted son played by Matthew Laborteaux, they both made our tummy tingle and other things wiggle.
Oh, and we knew that Nellie Olesen was pure evil. Eventually we’d learn to love a good bitch, but in childhood we identified more with goodie-goodie Laura Ingalls. Who knew today we’d love Nellie almost as much as we her portrayer, Alison Arngrim, a smart, outspoken woman unafraid of speaking her mind.
After reading Confessions of a Prairie Bitch, a memoir we didn’t know we couldn’t live without until it showed up on our desk, we hope to stalk her at State Fairs where she’s been known to sign autographs. Plus, her life is Child Star Memoir gold. A gay father named Thor. A mom who voiced Gumby. And the disturbing knowledge that Landon wore no underwear.
Her writing style is candid, hilarious and just as bitchy as you’d hope. Dedicated to working for HIV awareness and abused children, Arngrim’s also got a heart of gold and plenty of sadness of her own. Yet here she is, embracing her inner Nellie with pride.
And pictures!
Confessions of a Prairie Bitch : How I Survived Nellie Oleson and Learn to Love Being Hated
Out today in paperback
$14.99
$8.92 at amazon.com
$12.99 on iTunes
http://www.harpercollins.com
