This October marks 10 years since Martha Stewart went to prison.
Not sure what compelled us to look up this fact, but it got us to thinking about how we’d survive if we ever went to jail (other than trading nights of backdoor passion with our 300-pound suitors).
Though most inmates probably don’t have the sophisticated palate for anything other than toilet wine and Slim Jims, we think we could do a little niche marketing and reach a more discerning prisoner population.
So just in case we snap and kill someone or get caught on one of our drug muling journeys across the border, we want to be armed with ideas for making life better for everyone in our cell block.
First up on our DIY agenda: sake. We know there’s no sushi in the big house, but nothing would liven up a dinner of frozen fish sticks better than a little contraband rice wine.
Thankfully, Uncommon Goods has a sake making kit that takes out all the guesswork. They supply the proper rice, yeast and all the various additives and production vessels to create several gallons. All you need is a pound of white raisins, 2.5 pounds of sugar and about a month of patience per batch.
It’s a time-honored Japanese tradition being fine-tuned since the 8th century.
Now to learn how to carve a chopstick into a shiv. With a pretty hand-painted message of terror.
We think Martha would approve.
Sake Making Kit, $57
www.uncommongoods.com
