Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news.
Easter: He is Risen! I am renewed and rejuvenated after celebrating the resurrection of our Lord and Savior this past Sunday. I saw so many familiar faces at church, but mostly the C&E Christians who only attend twice a year. Alas, this is also the Sunday when fashions turn to more colorful hues and enough white shoes are worn to fill a Pat Boone convention. But here are the real issues of Christian discourse. When did this Holy Celebration turn from death and resurrection to one of eggs and bunnies? When did bunnies ever lay eggs? And why are they hiding them anyway? Did Jesus wear pastel when he sashayed out of the tomb? And HATS! Lord, I need to pray.
Robert Schuller: Speaking of Christian burials, another Saint has passed into glory. Brother Robert Schuller, founder of the Crystal Cathedral and the Hour of Power television ministry, has been called home. I gotta hand it to a fellow minister of the gospel who can start a ministry at a drive-in movie theater and build it to one of the most famous churches in the world. And aside from family squabbles late in his life, Brother Schuller was fairly free from scandal, praise the Lord. But “Crystal Cathedral?” How many cracked out tweaker sodomites in Southern California stumbled into that church expecting shards of praise and spiritual ecstasy? Glory to God in the highest, INDEED!
Hillary Clinton: The Hillary Clinton machine is oiling up. While the Sister has yet to formally announce her candidacy for President, the media is reporting more action in that direction. The latest missive from the Clintonites is that, in an attempt to be more inclusive, Sister Hillary will be removing “I” from her campaign. Well, “I” have some observations about this. Perhaps she should just change her name to Victoria and refer to herself with the royal “we.” Or better yet, why not remove “I” from all print as well? Or really turn the tables and turn all “I” letters into “U” letters to really be inclusive? Eventually, take out all the “L” letters just for kicks. By that point, she can promote herself as “Hary Cunton” for President in 2016. Letters are such a blessing.
Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.
