Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news.
President for 2016: Help me, Lord! It’s only April of 2015, and already the 2016 race for leader of the free world is heating up. More choices to come, I’m sure, but let’s look at our slate so far. A Canadian Mexican without a brain, a Florida Mexican without a heart, a Kentucky idiot without any courage, and a woman with all the warmth and sincerity of a tornado, each trying to reach a mystical destination while the rest of us little people are hiding in bushes. This is already sounding somewhat familiar. I’m in prayer that some houses start falling very soon. Let us pray.
Tax Day: Speaking of calendars, it is April 15, and lo, the masses must pay their taxes. I have tried to claim my ministry as tax exempt, but have heretofore been unsuccessful. However, churches all across America are figuratively driving past their local post offices and laughing at the lines of people clamoring to beat the deadline. Elsewhere, working people are grasping at any loophole they can find to keep their hard-earned dollars for food on the table and shelter. Meanwhile, the mega rich are heading off to the Caribbean to visit their money which has found shelter in tax free accounts abroad. I feel a mission trip to Grand Cayman coming on. Pass the plate!
Alyssa Milano: Lord forgive me for this next quote which I am lifting directly from the interweb. “Actress Alyssa Milano had some angry tweets for Heathrow Airport authorities Thursday morning after workers there allegedly confiscated breast milk she’d pumped for her daughter while she was on a plane.” Where do I start? First of all, when one is on a plane, at what point does one pull out a breast and begin to pump it? Especially when one is not traveling with a baby. I mean, at this point you just look like you’re playing with yourself. On the other hand, who are these British perverts that wanted to keep the offending liquid? Was it time for tea? Finally, and most importantly, who is Alyssa Milano?
Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.
