Brothers and Sisters, I have returned from a lengthy period of spiritual retreat, renewal and rest. As I was afraid, the world has nearly come to a stop in my absence. Let me get caught up on a few things, which have transpired in the last couple of months before I start tackling the day-to-day filth of today’s news.
Trousseaus: I’m at a loss. A majority of the Supreme Court has paved the way for same sex marriage all across this great land. It’s one thing for this filth to be happening in the outer regions like California and New York, but to have it legal here in TEXAS, the home of my ministry, is earth shattering. Some fine, Christian women county clerks here in Texas have left their jobs rather than have to issue marriage licenses to sodomites and lesbyterians. It seems an odd coincidence that each of them had the same first name, as sodomites across the state exclaimed “BYE FELICIA” to each one of them. In a related story, wedding registries at Home Depot and Tiffany’s have reported a significant jump in business.
Trump: GOP Presidential Candidate, Donald Trump, is steamrolling across this land with his message of arrogance, narcissism and bad hair. While many are shaking their heads at the seemingly unbridled rhetoric of Brother Trump, attention must be paid to the number of Americans who secretly agree with him. However, his attitudes and words towards immigrants have been strong enough to give even me great pause. God bless the Mexicans for responding in such an artistic way by creating Donald Trump pinatas. Now little Latin children can beat the crap out of the Donald and see just exactly what’s inside of him. Meanwhile, somewhere, Sister Sarah Palin is watching from the sidelines, eating a bag of popcorn and thinking to herself, “and they thought I was nuts?” Let us pray.
Transitions: And in one final swoop, Armageddon seems to be upon us. The paragon of U.S. Olympic success, mega-athlete, Bruce Jenner, has transitioned into being a woman. Certainly, this is not the first time such abomination has occurred. Let us remember tennis player, Renee Richards, nee Richard Raskind, whose autobiography, TENNIS WITHOUT BALLS, shocked the nation in the 1970s. However, Brother/Sister Jenner is not attempting to remain a stalwart athlete, but rather become a glamorous cover girl. I just don’t get it. There. I said it. But I’ll tell you one thing. That Caitlyn has been given a gift of words to touch and minister to others. She may not be as pretty as me, but I’m in serious prayer about inviting her into my women’s ministry. Imagine the gift of tongues she can bring to both men and women alike. Praise!
Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.
