This has been a week of utter chaos in our land. I am preparing for end times as I write this. Sinners everywhere, let us come together and pray over these important happenings.
Clerks: I would like to honor a fine Christian Sister who is suffering for her faith. Sister Kim Davis, a dedicated servant of the County of Rowan in the state of Kentucky, has allowed herself to be a martyr for the cause of Christ. Hallelujah! In refusing to issue marriage licenses to sodomites and lesbyterians, she has defied the law of man for the greater law of the Lord and is suffering imprisonment as a result. Yea, even greater is the way she will be lifted up as an example of morality by any number of Republican Presidential Candidates. I pray that Sister Davis will open her Bible while imprisoned and be convicted about Leviticus 19:19. “You are to keep My statutes. You shall not …wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.” My prayer at this point is that she receive Godly wisdom about her choice of clothing, lest God strike her down for that poly-blend jumpsuit. Let us pray.
Catholics: Pope Francis is at it again. The myriad of shocking edicts issued by this Pope since coronation is mind-boggling. I’m beginning to believe that Francis is actually a Unitarian in priestly robes, but I digress. Having proclaimed December 8, 2015 through November 20, 2016 as the “Year of Mercy,” Sister Pope has decreed that, during this Year of Mercy, all priests are to forgive women parishoners who have suffered the sin of abortion. ABORTION! A mortal evil in the eyes of Catholicism! Such heresy. I am relieved to know that this absolution is only during the Year of Mercy. Therefore, on November 21, 2016, these abortion sluts can return to their status of eternal damnation. Let me prophesy here. The Lord is leading me to predict a drop in birth rates next year. Hallelujah.
Quarterbacks: Brothers and Sister in Christ, let us mourn the recent unemployment of one of our fine young witnesses. Brother Tim Tebow, an oasis of faith in the desert of the professional football, has been released from his contract with the NFL. I pray that one of two things will now happen. Either he is employed by a large faith organization to continue his ministry of morality. OR, he is now free to marry his homosecular lover anywhere in the United States. Excepting Rowan County, Kentucky, of course. Glory!
Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.
