Filth. Corruption. Immorality. This week has had it all. Gird your loins, dear readers, for today’s dive into the cesspool of news.
Pageants: Another indication of end times has befallen us on this earth. That bastion of all things ladylike, the Miss America Pageant, took a flying leap off the cliffs of good taste this past weekend. Miss America 1984, Vanessa Williams, gained fame and notoriety for her shameful dethronement after lewd phots of her were published in a filthy pornographic publication. Now, some 30 years later, Sister Vanessa is not only asked back to JUDGE the pageant, but she was given a public APOLOGY for all that happened to her at the hands of the pageant. I’m speechless. But listen to me, Betty Cantrell, Miss America 2016…get out your Polaroids of you taking a muff dive into some slut’s nether regions. Post them on Instagram. Tweet them to your followers. Then sit back and wait for your career to blossom. Who says lightning doesn’t strike twice? Glory!
Perry: What a sad day for Christian patriots. Former Texas Governor, Rick Perry, has decided to back out of the 2016 Presidential race. Brother Rick had been the longest serving Governor of the great State of Texas. SURELY this qualifies him to rule the world’s greatest country. But who, now, will fine Texas Christians uphold as their savior in politics? Certainly not, Donald Trump. He’s a Yankee and doesn’t go to church. And quite frankly, I was looking forward to the great entertainment value of another Presidential debate with Brother Perry, Brother Huckabee, and Brother…uh…Brother…well, I can’t remember the third one. Preach!
Pennsylvania: Those pesky Catholics are up to no good again. A 100-year old parish of predominantly white people in Bensalem, Pennsylvania recently had the AUDACITY to merge with a predominantly Latino parish a few miles down the road. Apparently, the scripture about the Father’s house having many mansions” is lost on these fine white people. A parishioner recently wrote an inspired message on the back of his check in the offering plate. It stated “No more Spanish in the bulletin. Tell them to speak English.” I know how he feels. I mean, many fine Christians will attest that the Bible was written in English, so why must we be subjected to these foreign tongues? However, just to be on the safe side, I’ve got my Rosetta Stone CDs helping me learn Aramaic just in case Jesus wants to chat with me at the Pearly Gates. B’QuOLoSoA!
Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.
