It has been a week of trials and tribulations. Let us join our hearts as one over these words of comfort and caution from my ministry.
Paris: I have been in prayer so long this weekend about Paris, my knees are FLAT! I fear that attacks like these are biblical in proportion and interpretation, and are signs of our Last Days. Nonetheless, I refuse to sit back and wait on the Rapture in the meantime. I’m calling on all my followers to reach out to a loved one, cherish every moment of each day, and never let the sun go down on anger. And lift the French people up in prayer tonight. As for those evil attackers, I have a leather bound Bible, and I’m not afraid to hit them with it! COME HOLY SPIRIT, I’m about to receive a gift of tongues…Je vous reprends dans le nom du Seigneur!
Texas: Many of you know that I often take my ministry to the high seas aboard various cruise ships. Fortunately, the Lord leads me to many ports of embarkation. Rarely, however, will you find me embarking on a sea-faring ministry out of the Port of Galveston, Texas. The majority of the sinners boarding there are of a trailer park background which is beyond the grasp of my touch. Royal Caribbean Lines has just announced that their vessel, LIBERTY OF THE SEAS, will be the largest ship to ever sail out of Galveston. Brothers and Sisters, let us be clear. This will merely be the equivalent of sailing a double-wide with a rudder. Ahoy!
The World: It has been announced that Mormon-owned Marriott Hotels will be purchasing Starwood Hotels to form the largest hotel chain in the world. Why, you may ask, do I care about this? Very simply, I am bereaved that so many worldwide hotel rooms will be losing their Gideon Bibles in favor of The Book of Mormon. Surely it won’t be long before attractive, strapping young Mormon missionaries will be knocking on your hotel room doors to tell you about a different testament of Jesus Christ and his Saints. Or, maybe it will just be chorus boys from BOOK OF MORMON posing as Nighttime Saints looking to get into a horizontal ministry. Pray for those Latter Night Saints, Brothers and Sisters.
Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.
