Spending a week away from the daily fluctuations of the plethora of stories hurled at the public under the hysterical guise of “Breaking News” has left me wondering if there is a way to comment on the latest developments without having to bother with actually informing myself about what has happened.
So I started putting together a pastiche of phrases that can be strung together that seem to express a position but actually have little to no meaning whatsoever. Substance-free responses to “speculation” and “analysis” that is distributed as news really deserves nothing more.
For instance, starting any response with, “Well, I’m not a spring chicken…” immediately adds gravitas to one’s words by implying that age and experience have helped to form the opinion that is about to be put forth. Of course, if the purpose of the double talk is to conceal the fact that an actual opinion will not be forthcoming, whatever words follow carry twice the weight without necessarily having any substance at all.
“I really thought that by this time people would know better” clearly implies that you and the person you are speaking to know better, making this little conversational nest an oasis of knowledge and understanding without giving a hint as to what is known. This is a particular favorite because it also throws shade at the uninformed without bothering to identify what it is they don’t know.
Adding “I can’t remember anything like this ever happening before” is a pretty safe bet considering the thrust of today’s issues, but it really says nothing. And “When are people going to wake up?” following your word salad gives a nice rhetorical ending to everything you didn’t say and gets the conversational ball out of your court.
Now this all provides a framework before we get down to customizing to fit the topic. For example, if it’s about what Mike Pence said about Donald Trump or Mark Meadows’ testimony before the federal grand jury in the special counsel investigation, just repeat the name—“Mike Pence”—adding an optional “Wow!” if it seems in order.
Although I hate the expression, no risk is incurred by following that with “But I’m not sure if that is going to move the needle.” Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. You never said, now did you? By the way, the reason I really dislike that phrase is I suspect most everyone else thinks of gas tanks or some kind of meter while I’m relating it to record players.
For the hyperbolists, a final few words can be borrowed from Mother. “Well, that’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of in my life.” That was her go-to summation for almost anything, delivered with the same verve whether as a comment on a presidential scandal or the wearing of a red dress to a funeral.
So let’s take this on a spin when the subject of air quality in New York surfaces:
Well, I’m not a spring chicken, and I don’t remember anything like this ever happening before. Fires in Quebec? Wow! But I’m not sure this is going to move the needle. When are people going to wake up? It’s just the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of in my life.
From climate change to mass shootings, from presidential politics to the Trump criminal investigations, we can throw a select few words together, appear marginally informed and marginally concerned, then get back to what’s for dinner. And who can blame us really?
In the United States, we’ve been through two presidential impeachments, a seditious conspiracy to prevent the inauguration of the constitutionally-elected President, a global pandemic that killed well over a million people in this country, the criminal indictment of a former president with multiple other investigations likely to produce more charges, the overturning and diminishment of abortion and voting rights, the effects of climate change becoming manifest in our daily lives, mass shootings, and others too numerous to list. And that’s basically what happened last week if the whole history of the country were spread over a year.
We’re admonished to not normalize behavior and situations that not too long ago would be considered abnormal, even bizarre. Many of us agree with that. But as sure as God made little green apples, there will be another event, probably by this time next week, that will track as the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of in my life.
But I hope to be saying that over a plate of spaghetti before proclaiming, “Mama mia, that’s some spicy meatball.”
