Brothers and Sister, I have prayed about how the Lord spoke through me this year and feel the need to share with you what I believe to be my best stories of 2023, in chronological order by month. I’ll leave to each of your own prayer lives to decide your favorite.
January. In the ongoing onslaught of onerous onrushes in Britain’s royal family, Prince Harry is continuing to push the boundaries of good taste in his accusations. Let it be known that I am not a fan of that adulterous hussy, Camilla Parker Bowles. But Harry’s latest declaration against her seems a bit harsh. This headline startled me……”Prince Harry accuses Camilla of ‘dangerous’ leaks” Listen, Harry. Sister Bowles is not a young woman. If she has some issues of incontinence or UTIs, that is completely her business. We don’t need to know about it.
February. ?I haven’t seen such a fuss over a balloon since a couple in Colorado fooled us all into believing that their little boy was stuck in one. Why the Chinese felt the need to float a balloon of questionable purpose over our country is still to be decided. I will leave it to the professionals to resolve this issue. However, in my inspired wisdom, I will offer a few thoughts. Perhaps the Chinese were spying on us. Perhaps they were checking the weather over here. Perhaps the wind took the balloon off course and was heading to the Land of Oz. I guess we’ll know if and when the debris from it being shot down is recovered. But if that thing was carrying a message trying to reach me about my car warranty, I’ll beat an angry path to Beijing!
March. ?Let me jump on the bandwagon of the latest in the evangelical push for a return to morality. Drag. It is all I can do to type this without upchucking on my keyboard. Men dressed as women! Reading to children! Grooming the young! Lipsyncing the wrong words! This is ruining the moral fabric of our country regardless of the fabric worn by these clowns. Praise God that our Christian leaders are quick to pass laws against these modern day denizens of Sodom and Gomorrah, lest they be sidelined with less pressing issues like religious sex abuse, gun control or failing banks. I have half a mind to show up at my local elementary school to read the Bible to young children. Amen?
April. ? I’m convinced that the Lord made the State of Florida in the shape that it is so that He can easily grab it and yank it off the map. While He has yet to reach such wrath, I believe that the present government of the Sunshine State is tempting His hand. Consider this…….I have certainly had my personal concerns with the Disney people for their pandering to sodomites and lesbyterians, but I also know that thousands of fine families have enjoyed wholesome vacations behind the walls of the Magic Kingdom. So watching this Philistine Florida Governor go after Disney just irritates me. Sister Rhonda Santis is in a spitting match over certain tax breaks given to The Mouse and is now seeking loopholes to irritate the entertainment Goliath. Threatening to take up private land next to the parks, Sister Santis proposes a state park, another theme park or a state prison. I can see it now…….the Governor grabs land for camping and riding a roller coaster directly into solitary confinement. Remember, Rhonda………the Magic Kingdom has brought many blessings to children of His Kingdom………….and Jesus is reaching for the panhandle.
May. With a particular death last week, a portion of trash TV has also passed. Brother Jerry Springer rocketed to fame by hosting a talk show which quickly evolved into a parade of confrontational trash and uneducated attention seekers. (Much like the fine folk following the former First Man!) Whether one wanted to confront an alleged DNA relation, a cheating paramour or any litany of human oddities, Jerry Springer’s show wanted you. The more salacious, the better. The more on-air disruptions, the better. Brother Springer, I understand, was a fine man who, at one point, served as Mayor of Cincinnati. It was the bloodthirst of television idiots that kept him going into a downward spiral. I like to think that Brother Jerry is indeed in Glory today. What concerns me is that he may have already been contacted by Mary, the Mother of Our Lord, about a meeting with Joseph and the Holy Spirit for a stage fight over which is the baby daddy.
June. ? have been bereft in light of the passing of God’s servant, Brother Pat Robertson. So many have looked to me for comfort since his passing, anxiously awaiting my words of ministry in response. The man hath wrought so many pronouncements over his years of work, many of which were questionable at best. I’ve always been delighted that he brought a former Miss America on to his telecast to spread the gospel. At least she was the pretty one. And he certainly affected my work by inspiring the name of my own program, The 701 Club — ever a reminder that I will always be just a LITTLE bit better. But as he enters into the afterlife, I pray that he no longer sees through a glass dimly, but rather can see clearly in full. While he constantly blamed the ills of the world on people he deemed inferior, may he be met by a Haitian Lesbyterian feminist at the Pearly Gates throwing hurricanes in his path, thus redirecting him to a lake of fire with a fishnet paddle. Let the people say amen.
July. Well, this just makes me vomit. A woman in Fort Worth, Texas (a neighboring city to my home ministry) has seen fit to start a Girl Scout troop for young lesbyterians and children of indiscriminate gender. Horrifying! This fine Christian organization has led countless young women to successful sales careers in the baked goods industry. Now I have to dodge this “Pride Crew” troop 30 miles to my west. I pray that the Lord gives me vision to know when I’m dealing with one of these troop members. So, if I see Peppermint Patty outside the Kroger, I’ll have no interest in biting into her Thin Mints! Help me, Lord!
August. ? Isn’t it interesting how some things from our childhood can give us the gift of laughter? I often recall fun times in Vacation Bible School as a young person which cause me to smile. Surprisingly, I often found myself amused by someone who made a career out of acting like a child for the sake of entertainment. Yes, Brothers and Sisters, the work of Brother Paul Reubens as Pee Wee Herman ministered to me on several occasions. Some have said that there were filthy undertones in his work, but I preferred to see the sweetness of it, recalling my carefree days when I was a child. And, like many famous people, Brother Reubens got caught in a situation of ill repute at one point in this career. (Ever since, I always sit alone when I go to the theater, just to be safe!) But the good news is that many were touched by this character. With his passing this week from the demon of cancer, I pray for the Lord to bless this silly little man. I’m grateful that God shows all of us grace when we fall and sustains our legacy in the end.
September. ?I always try to remember the saints who pass on when I write this column. I also have commented on a few sinners’ demise as well, but not this time. Brother Bob Barker, a staple of wholesome television entertainment, was called home recently, just shy of his 100th birthday. His early years of hosting the TV game show, “Truth or Consequences,” always reminded me of a gospel lesson. Accept the Truth of Christ or Suffer the Consequences! But most will always associate him with encouraging average people to act the fool and test their pricing knowledge on “The Price is Right.” So many living room sets, refrigerators and cans of tuna changing hands in a stroke of luck. Often, A NEW CAR would be bestowed upon the price-conscious. I had some slight issues with his buxom models on the show, but so did Brother Bob, according to court records. Bless Brother Barker for bringing happiness to so many. I would like to think that the Lord Himself shouted for BB to “come on up” to glory. And may he be met by thousands of house pets eager to speak to him about certain surgical procedures.
October. ?I can’t believe that I’m actually giving Christian commentary on anything sports-related since I am far from that kind of woman. However, some things merit my attention. With my ministry being based in the great city of Dallas, I’d have to be deaf and dumb to not be aware of our football franchise, the Dallas Cowboys. (I personally think that the team’s owner is a white trash reprobate with money, but I digress.) I miss the days of Coach Tom Landry, a fine Christian example of a man. Alas, today’s Cowboys are beset with fair-weather fans. Win a game, everyone is cheering. Lose a game, and the team is a pariah. I couldn’t care less either way. BUT, a recent loss to a team from San Francisco did cause me to smirk. How can a bunch of ball carriers from that Sodom on the Bay outplay the rough and tough Cowboys? Embarrassing. And the headlines…… “San Francisco Tops Dallas.” Disgusting. Well, what can you expect from a team called the 69ers? That is it, isn’t it?
November. ?Our great country has a marvelous history of Presidential wives. All the way back to Sister Martha Washington through Sister Doctor Jill Biden, these women have stood by their men in leadership and support. While some First Ladies have endured strife beyond compare, and one has shown the First Breasts, each has left their mark. As a Babatist, I have always been fond of Brother and Sister Carter. Fine Christians from a small town in Georgia who rose to the pinnacle of American leadership. While Brother Jimmy continues to grip on to life, we mourn the passing of his beloved wife of 77 years, Sister Rosalynn Carter. A fine woman who maintained her Sunday School class while standing on the world stage, Sister RC inspired me to no end. Her ministries for mental health will surely grant her more stars in her heavenly crown. The loss of this life leaves us with five FLOTUS. A politician, a librarian, an author, a slut and an educator. Let us pray.
December. Big news from the Vatican Rag. When the Catholics stoop to honoring the sodomites and lesbyterians, I guarantee that end times are near and that Armageddon is on the horizon! How dare an institution of unmarried men in dresses and hats be allowed to bless same-sex unions! Shouldn’t those priests remain behind the shroud of their own celibacy? Yet here we are . . . Pope Reverend Pastor Francis has raised a bony finger to strike down another brick in the wall of the church. Fortunately, conservative priests here in America are rebelling against this homo-blessed edict. This certainly comforts me as a Babatist. After all, priests need to stick to old-fashioned Catholic ways and “suffer the little children.”
