“Why in the world would anyone do that?” This was a pronouncement, framed as a rhetorical question, often given by Mother back in the day. It could be about the latest outrage coming out of Washington or a wife putting up with a philandering husband. It might be the result of the neighbors painting their shutters an unappealing shade of yellow. Daddy’s response was given offhandedly.
“People do what they want to do.” Well, the older I got, the more truth I saw in what he said. By the time I was a young adult, living in Dallas, I found myself doing what I wanted to do, which seemed to me the whole point of growing up in the first place. In the three years I was single, after finishing college and before meeting Karl, I got into a couple of relationships because that’s what I wanted to do.
In both cases, there weren’t just red flags flying. They were dropping from heaven like Texas’ legendary hail the size of a baseball. But did I heed the warnings? Did I pay attention to the signs? Of course not, I was doing what (and who) I wanted to do. Sometimes we just have to touch the burner to find out the stove is hot, and some of us have to get both hands burned to learn the lesson.
A few years ago, I realized that there was a corollary to Daddy’s wisdom. People also believe what they want to believe. Then recently, I came to understand that it has even wider relevance. Having believed what we want to believe, we too often think what we want to think, rather than doing any critical thinking at all. Before long, we’re seeing what we want to see and hearing what we want to hear. (I believe this is what is called “confirmation bias.”) With all that in place, we can say what we want to say, and do what we want to do.
Here’s how this circular reasoning works (or rather doesn’t work). Let’s take the case of Dick and Dora, a married couple who are way past the honeymoon. Dora believes that the best thing for her to do is to make the marriage work. After all, that’s what she’s been told her whole life. So when Dick is abusive or unfaithful, Dora thinks her way into supporting her belief. He didn’t mean it, it isn’t true, he’ll get through whatever is happening, and everything will be all right. So she thinks.
She then will hear from him what she wants to hear and see only what she wants to see. When she talks to her girlfriends, she says what she wants them to hear. Knowing better, some will listen and say nothing. At least not to Dora. Amongst themselves, they say she is living in a fool’s paradise. Of course, if she pulls that on her gay friend, there’s a pretty good chance he will call her out with a “Bitch, please.”
The more thought I gave to this circle of flawed rationalization, the more I realized that “the believe what we want to believe” part is the center of that circle. The thoughts and actions appear to radiate from that. If I’m right, Mother’s question turns into “Why in the world would anyone believe that?”
Well, because they want to believe that, for a reason that may be incomprehensible. Social media seems to have shown for many years now that many of us are living in a fearful, dark world, that is at least borderline nihilistic and frequently anticipates a dystopian future. Now the question morphs into “Why in the world would anyone want to believe that?” Well, you tell me.
Somewhere along the way, someone told me that people are afraid of basically two things. Losing what we have, and not getting what we want. Those I’ve just described reside in the same world but think the cause of this anticipated hellscape is coming from two opposite causes. Two tribes, same fears, different sources. What a pretty kettle of fish.
The world is indeed troubled, more today than in quite a long time. Being a heathen, I don’t like to use the word “evil” as it has some degree of religiosity attached to it. But I do love to quote scripture when I get the chance. I Timothy 6:10 is frequently condensed to “The love of money is the root of all evil.” So if it’s evil one is looking for, I agree with that sourcing. That’s New Testament speak for “Follow the money.”
Since we can do little to nothing about what other people want to believe, maybe it’s more productive to look at why we believe what we believe. Or rather, why we want to believe it. The center of our own personal circle, so to speak.
That exercise has proven challenging for me, especially if I’m having one of those “hard truths” moments with myself, which I suspect many of us try to avoid as much as possible. But It may be helpful if self-awareness is one’s thing.
Otherwise, feel free to simply ask, “Why in the world would anyone want to do that?”
