Hello again, darlings. Today’s docket includes a neighbor with package amnesia, a man who thinks someone else’s nudes are party favors and a borrowed garment that returned from battle.
Dear Sassy,
My neighbor accepted a delivery for me while I was out of town. I thanked her, but she kept the box for six days and acted annoyed when I asked if I could pick it up. I know she was doing me a favor, but my medication was inside. Is there a polite way to say that if you accept a package, you cannot hold it hostage?
– Carrie On
Carrie, A neighbor accepting a package is a kindness. Turning that package into a six-day residency is a tiny bit of suburban kidnapping. She may have been busy, she may have forgotten or she may enjoy having leverage over a cardboard box. None of those possibilities makes your medication less time-sensitive.
Say, “I really appreciate you taking it in. It included medication, so if that happens again, please let me know right away and I’ll come by whenever is easiest.” It is polite, factual and gives her an off-ramp from pretending you are the demanding one.
Then change the system. Use a locker, delivery instructions or a neighbor who understands that accepting a parcel is not adoption. Good neighbors make life easier. They do not make you feel as though you must schedule an audience to retrieve your own CVS shipment.
Help Me, Sassy,
A friend showed me a nude his new boyfriend sent him and said, “You have to see this.” I did not ask to see it, and now he is sulking because I told him it was weird. He says everybody shares pictures in our friend group. Am I being uptight?
– Prudence N. Shame
Prudence, You are not uptight. You are the only person in the room who remembered that the naked man in the photograph did not consent to joining the conversation. That is not prudishness. That is basic respect, which remains fashionable even when someone has good lighting and an impressive attachment to leg day.
Your friend may believe it is harmless bragging, but he is treating somebody else’s private image like a tasting menu. The correct response to receiving a nude is not to assemble a focus group. It is to enjoy it privately, say thank you if appropriate and keep the phone pointed at your own face.
You did exactly right by saying it was weird. If he sulks, let him. A bruised ego heals faster than a violation of trust. And if “everybody does it” is his defense, remind him that everybody has also been to a bad drag brunch. Popularity is not proof of good judgment.
Sassy,
I loaned my friend a silk caftan for a pool party. It came back stained, smelling like sunscreen and missing a belt. She laughed and said, “It had a night.” I love her, but the caftan cost more than she spends on groceries in a month. Do I ask her to replace it?
– Kaftan’t Even
Kaftan’t, Your caftan did not have a night. It survived an unsupervised field operation. A borrowed item returning stained, incomplete and lightly perfumed with pool chemicals is not a funny anecdote. It is a bill with a punchline.
Tell her clearly: “I’m glad you enjoyed it, but it came back damaged and the belt is missing. The cleaning and replacement cost are more than I can absorb. Can you cover them?” Give her the amount, the cleaner’s estimate or the replacement link. Do not cushion it with twelve laughing emojis. They will only make the request sound optional.
A real friend may be embarrassed, but she will pay or offer a solution. A bad friend will insist you are materialistic because she cannot bear the consequences of treating your closet like a costume warehouse. Either way, retire her from caftan privileges. Some people are invited to the pool party. Some people are invited to admire the wardrobe from a respectful distance.
Have a social catastrophe, a romantic riddle or a question your friends are too polite to answer? Send it to asksassy@hesaiddallas.com. I’ll bring the judgment, the compassion and, when necessary, a velvet-gloved read. Discretion is assumed, darlings.
