Hello, my darling disasters. This week, we’re tackling unwanted attention, amateur FBI investigations and a mother who needs to have her phone confiscated. Sassy has thoughts. Naturally.
Dear Sassy,
There’s a guy at my gym who’s decided we’re dating. At least, I think that’s what’s happening. We started chatting between sets a few months ago. He’s nice enough, but now he saves the treadmill next to his, texts me when I’m running late and recently asked if I wanted to spend Thanksgiving together. We have never been on a date. We have never kissed. We have never even discussed whether we’re both gay. I just wanted someone to spot me occasionally. How do I break up with someone I’m not dating?
— Accidentally Engaged
Dear Accidental Fiancé,
Congratulations on your whirlwind romance! Have you registered at Crate & Barrel? I hear they have lovely dumbbells.
Sweetheart, you’ve made the classic mistake of being friendly to a man who has apparently been living in a romantic comedy directed by his own imagination.
But before we file a restraining order against his elliptical machine, let’s acknowledge that he may simply be lonely. Or socially awkward. Or genuinely interested in you. None of those things makes him a monster.
The Thanksgiving invitation, however, suggests we’re approaching the point where someone will be introducing you to Nana.
Your solution is simple: Be kind, be direct and retire the ambiguity.
“I’ve enjoyed talking with you at the gym, but I want to make sure we’re on the same page. I’m only interested in being gym friends.”
He may be embarrassed. He may disappear. He may insist he was just being friendly, in which case you can both pretend Thanksgiving was a misunderstanding involving carbohydrates.
And please, darling, stop sharing your workout schedule with him.
The only man who needs to know exactly when you’re doing squats is your trainer. Preferably a handsome one.
Dear Sassy,
I went on a date with a guy I met on Hinge. We had great chemistry, kissed goodnight and made plans to see each other again. The next morning, he sent me screenshots of three men I follow on Instagram and asked whether I’d slept with them. Apparently, he’d spent the night going through my followers. He said he was just being careful because Dallas is a small town and he doesn’t want drama. I think it’s creepy, but my friends say everyone stalks their dates online. Am I overreacting?
— Under Investigation
Dear Person of Interest,
Everyone does a little research before a date. We check Instagram. We Google. We occasionally discover that the handsome architect we’ve been messaging is actually a married dentist from Plano.
That’s called due diligence.
What your gentleman conducted was a full congressional investigation, complete with exhibits and what sounds suspiciously like a subpoena.
And after ONE date?
Girl, the man hasn’t even earned the right to know your middle name, much less your sexual history.
He’s technically correct about one thing: Dallas is a small town. Particularly gay Dallas, where the dating pool occasionally resembles a family reunion with better underwear.
But recognizing that people have histories is very different from interrogating them about those histories.
His behavior tells you something important about how he handles insecurity. Instead of getting to know you, he’s already looking for reasons to distrust you.
Tell him plainly that you’re uncomfortable being questioned about people you follow online. You don’t owe him an explanation of every handsome man who has ever appeared on your screen.
If he apologizes and backs off, perhaps there’s room for a second date.
If he doubles down, congratulations. You’ve just saved yourself six months of arguments about why you liked a shirtless photograph from 2019.
And darling, whatever you do, don’t let him discover your Grindr favorites.
Dear Sassy,
I’m 42, gay, single and perfectly happy. My mother is considerably less enthusiastic about the arrangement. She recently discovered that I have a dating profile and has started sending screenshots of it to our extended family group chat. Last week, she asked my aunt whether she knew any “nice homosexual men” in Houston. Yesterday, my cousin sent me a screenshot of my own profile with the caption, “Looking good, stud!” Mom says she’s just trying to help me find happiness. How do I make her stop without hurting her feelings?
— Family Plan
Dear Family Plan,
Your mother has apparently mistaken Hinge for Ancestry.com.
And while I’m delighted she’s supportive of your homosexuality, there’s a rather significant difference between accepting your gay son and launching a multistate homosexual recruitment campaign on his behalf.
“Nice homosexual men” in Houston? Good Lord. Is she contacting references? Checking vaccination records? Asking prospective husbands whether they have a Costco membership?
Darling, your mother means well. Unfortunately, she’s also behaving like a woman who has just discovered a clearance rack and intends to alert the entire congregation.
You need to tell her, firmly and privately, that your dating life is yours to manage.
Try: “Mom, I love that you want me to be happy, but sharing my dating profile with the family makes me uncomfortable. Please stop sending it to people.”
No lengthy explanations. No negotiations over which cousins are allowed to participate.
And absolutely no access to your Grindr account.
If she gets upset, let her. Hurt feelings are occasionally the admission price for respecting another adult’s boundaries.
Besides, you said you’re happy being single. She needs to believe you.
And if she absolutely insists on finding you a husband, tell her you’re only interested in men with inherited wealth, excellent credit and a vacation home in Palm Springs.
That should keep her occupied until Christmas.
That’s all for this week, my little troublemakers. Remember, good manners cost nothing, but bad manners give Sassy job security.
Got a dilemma? Send your questions to asksassy@hesaiddallas.com. Your secrets are safe with me. Your dignity, however, is another matter entirely.
