Welcome back, darlings. Halloween is approaching, and some of you have apparently decided the costume comes with governing authority.
Sassy, Settle This,
My friend and I are both going to the same Halloween party as Elvira. She wore the costume last year and says it’s “her thing,” so I need to change mine. I bought the wig before I knew what she was wearing. Neither of us is hosting, and this isn’t a coordinated group costume. Am I supposed to surrender custody of the cleavage?
– Hex Appeal
My dear Hex,
Elvira has survived decades of imitation. I suspect she can withstand two men from Dallas arriving at the same party in synthetic hair.
Your friend wore a costume. She did not acquire the estate of Cassandra Peterson. Unless the invitation specifically promises one Mistress of the Dark, wear what you bought.
Give her a little grace if she’s been working on something elaborate and wanted a moment. We all enjoy an entrance. But wanting to feel special does not entitle her to issue a cease-and-desist letter from Spirit Halloween.
Tell her, “I didn’t realize we were doing the same costume, but I’ve already bought mine. Let’s get a picture together.” Offer camaraderie once. Do not spend October negotiating a licensing agreement for her breasts.
If matching genuinely bothers you, change a detail because it amuses you. Make your Elvira recently divorced. Give her reading glasses and a complaint about property taxes. That’s creative choice, darling, not submission.
And if your friend sulks all evening, let her. You’ve already got a wig to manage. Her feelings can travel in their own vehicle.
Help a Girl Out, Sassy,
A guy I hooked up with sent me a text the next morning saying, “Solid eight out of ten. A few things we can work on.” When I told him that was rude, he said he was flirting and that I should be pleased because he’s a tough grader. Now he wants to see me again. The night itself was fun. Is this a joke I should let go?
– Graded on a Curve
Darling Curve,
A tough grader? How thrilling. You’ve found the only man who can make casual sex feel like summer school.
A clumsy joke can be forgiven. His response is the part I’d examine. You told him it landed badly, and he instructed you to feel flattered. Apparently, even your reaction needs his approval.
If you want another date, tell him, “I had fun, but I don’t enjoy being rated. If something feels good or you’d like something different, tell me respectfully. Skip the scorecard.”
Talking about preferences is perfectly reasonable. Both people get a say, and either can decline. That’s how adults make the next encounter better without turning one person into a probationary employee.
Then watch what he does. A decent man can say, “Sorry, that was a stupid joke.” If he gives you another lecture about being too sensitive, take the information and leave the extra credit unfinished.
You’re allowed to enjoy the memory and decline the sequel. Good chemistry doesn’t obligate you to tolerate a man whose pillow talk sounds like an annual review.
And please don’t send him a retaliatory rating. That only establishes a franchise.
Dear Sassy,
I invited a friend to dinner at my house. She arrived with her little dog, put him on the chair beside her and asked for a plate because “he eats what I eat.” I love dogs, but I don’t want one eating off my dishes at the table. When I asked her to put him on the floor, she said he’s family. Was I being inhospitable?
– Table for Chew
Sweet Chew,
He’s family? Lovely. My cousin is family, and I wouldn’t let her lick the butter dish either.
You invited your friend to dinner. She added a guest without asking, then promoted him to a chair before you’d even served the salad. You were entirely entitled to put a stop to it.
Keep the rule plain: “I love him, but dogs stay off the dining chairs and don’t eat from our dishes.” Offer water in a pet bowl if you have one. You can be kind to an animal without enrolling him in the tasting menu.
For future invitations, tell her beforehand whether she’s welcome to bring him. If your house is dog-free for dinner, say so. She can arrange care or decline. Do not invent an allergy or blame your spouse; it’s your home, and you get to own the answer.
If she insists that being family guarantees him a place at the table, ask whether she also expects you to seat her uncle on a booster cushion and cut up his chicken.
The dog probably had no opinion about your china. His mother supplied all the entitlement.
That’s all for this week. Please leave the scorecards out of the bedroom and the dogs off the good china.
Have a dilemma? Send your questions to asksassy@hesaiddallas.com. Your secrets are safe with me. Your excuses will be examined.
